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Tips for Dealing with Grief
When someone you love dies, you are faced with the difficult, but
important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of
your thoughts and feelings regarding the death and the person who has
died. It is an essential part of healing.
Every person's grief is unique. No
two people grieve in exactly the same way, as their experiences are
influenced by a variety of factors. Those factors include the
relationship they had with the person who died, the circumstances
surrounding the death, their emotional support system, and their
cultural and religious background.
As a result of these factors, a person
should not compare their experience with that of other people or to
adopt assumptions about just how long their grief should last.
Each person should allow themselves to grieve at his or her own pace.
Making grief a more
positive experience:
Talk about your grief.
By expressing your grief openly and
sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring
your grief won't make it go away, talking about it often make you feel
better.
Find caring friends and relatives who will
listen without judging. Avoid persons who are critical or who
try to steal your grief from you by telling you to "keep your chin up"
or "carry on." While these comments may be well-intended, you do
not have to accept them and you have a right to express your grief.
Expect to feel a multitude of emotions.
Experiencing loss affects your head,
heart, and spirit, so you may experience a variety of emotions as you
work through your grief. Confusion, disorganization, fear,
guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of the things you
may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within
a short period of time, or they may occur simultaneously.
As strange as some of these feelings may
seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from
them, and don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience
surges of grief - even at the most unexpected times. These
"grief attacks" can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed.
They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved.
Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk
about them.
Allow for numbness.
Feeling dazed or numb when someone dies is
often part of your early grief experience. This serves a
valuable purpose as it gives your emotions time to catch up with what
your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation
from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what
you don't want to believe.
Be tolerant of your physical and
emotional limits.
The feelings of loss and sadness will
probably leave you fatigued. The ability to think clearly and
make decisions may be impaired and the low energy level may naturally
slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you
and nurture yourself, get daily rest, eat balanced meals, and lighten
your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't
mean feeling sorry for yourself but means you are using your survival
skills.
Develop a support system.
Reaching out to others and accepting
support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much, but
the most compassionate self-action you can take at this time is to
find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide
the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you
to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings - happy and sad.
Many people find an organized
grief support group to be helpful.
Make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than
acknowledge the death of someone loved, it helps provide you with the
support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way
for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate
this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings and
you cheat everyone who cares of a chance to pay tribute to someone who
was, and always will be, loved.
Embrace your spirituality.
If faith is part of your life, express it
in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be
around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.
If you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved,
realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief experience.
Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of
hurt and abandonment.
Allow a search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he
die? Why this way? Why now?" This search for meaning
is often another normal part of the healing process. Some
questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing
occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in
answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen
responsively as you search for meaning.
Treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that
exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them. Share them
with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may
make you laugh or cry but in either case, they are a lasting part of
the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.
Move toward your grief and heal.
The capacity to love requires the
necessity to grieve when someone loved dies. You cannot heal
unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will
only make it become more confusing and overwhelming, so we encourage
you to embrace your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen
quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be
patient and tolerant of yourself and never forget that the death of
someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't
be happy again, it's simply that you will never be exactly the same as
you were before the death.
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